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25 Random Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Adam Gilad

Let’s take a breath and have a virtual beer together…

Because we probably haven’t met yet in person, I wanted to take a second and give you 25 random factoids about me to round out you’re idea of who the hell I am. There are 28, but the first one does say that math is not my strong suit!

1. Math is not my strong suit.

2. I have two sons, 19 and 16. The older one’s first word was “Hegel,” presumably the German idealist philosopher. The second one informed me at age two that he was from “Ancient New Mexico” and proceeded to speak its language. “Chroto chroto chringay,” he would repeat. When I asked him what it meant, he said, “My, what beautiful poop you have.”

3. I was only one of the few “straight” dancers in a British production of West Side Story, and I was called upon to give “NY walking” instructions to the other leads because, in the word of the director, “they swish like streetwalkers.”

4. I once was getting into cab in NY and Henny Youngman was getting in at the same time and so, echoing his most famous one liner, I said, “Take my cab. Please.” He laughed. It made my day.

5. I once had a kangaroo grab food out of my hand in Australia and for a moment, I considered grabbing it back. But he gave me the stink-eye, and I relented.

6. I wear Uggs and yet I am straight. F*ck you, they’re comfortable.

7. I got caught in a freak snowstorm and avalanche in the Himalaya at 14,000 feet, cut off from our guides. My ex-wife, who was with me at the time (and who I grabbed by the wrist and pulled her to safety), was afterwards furious at me because my first thought when I saw the snow coming down was, “Oh shit! And here I just won a full scholarship to Stanford.”

8. When pitching TV shows, I was once so furious at the stupidity of a VH-1 executive, that I told him I had a show for him called, “Tits! Tits! Tits!” He lit up and said, “Really???!” I said, “No, but if you like the title, I’m come up with something,” walked out of the meeting and told my agent, “I quit. I didn’t come to Hollywood for this.”

9. I drove into a German Alpine spa village in a brand new Z-3 which I was test driving for a film I was writing for BMW. I grabbed a beer, sat by the lake and called my Dad back in NY. By wild coincidence, that day he was writing in his memoir of WWII about TAKING this exact town from the Germans days before he liberated the Berchtesgarten. Still not sure who had a better time.

10. I got into a fistfight in 3rd grade over the blonde daughter of the school nurse — who didn’t even know that I or my co-pugilist existed.

11. I grew up in a nice Jewish neighborhood. We didn’t play cops and robbers. We played cops and lawyers.

12.I was a high school wrestler until the day I found my face in Gerry Acquilino’s butt-crack, watching all the pretty smart girls filing into the theater room. My theater career began the next day.

13. When I was in Jr. High, we had no money and I used to have my friends’ parents drop me off at the end of the block because I was embarrassed that our house had a brown lawn and peeling paint.

14. I grew up looking at all the castles and palaces in Europe in the back of the NYT magazine section every Sunday, and at age 16, worked three jobs in July and sent myself to Holland for August. It was a huge accomplishment for me.

15. I have been on two reality shows, one called How To Get The Guy – the lead girl found me online because of my profile (without knowing that I wrote the damned book on how to write a profile!) and the other called Green This House, where they fixed up my house to be more eco. The producers said I was “nipply” and had to put pasties over them to keep them flat.

16. When I was a kid, I kept pet gerbils till my dog ate them. 30 years later, I bought my kids the cutest little pet rats and they had 13 ratlings. We came one day to discover Mom and Dad ate them, leaving only pink little tails and assorted feet. Plus ca change.

17. When my older son was about 15, he, his friends and I were all standing around talking about sex and relationships, and one of his friends exclaimed, “Man you can talk to your dad about anything!” My son looked at me sideways and drawled, “Yeah, I’m a lucky bitch.” Not Shakespeare, but one of the nicest things anyone’s ever said about me.

18. I love the night and its creatures. It’s as foreign to the day as the sea is to land.

19. When my son was just 2 years old, he asked from his little car seat in back, “Baba? What makes difference, ‘tween fuck and shit?” “Amit!” I said, “where did you hear those words!?” He told me, “From when you… driving.”

20. I got nominated as Exec Producer for Best Picture for “The Ron Clark Story” about a teacher in Harlem. We shot in Alberta, Canada. The kids in the classroom did not look like Harlem kids, they were a weird combo of Eskimos, hockey players and towheads. We had to import actual black kids from NY to play the leads. They were the best thing in the movie. See it. I DARE you not to cry.

21. When I bought my first convertible, my son asked, “so are you having your midlife crisis?” I said, “no. I’m having a whole life crisis. I’m just in the middle of it.”

22. My professional ambitions as a kid went from wildlife tagger (Wild Kingdom) to professional bowler to Mets Pitcher to Cener for the NY Knicks to life adventurer and travel writer… and I kind of got stuck there.

23. I only heard my parents argue once in all my life. They loved each other, were grateful and appreciative for each other and were married 52 years.

24.I think douche-tard is a fantastic epithet.

25. I wanted to grow up to be a writer, because I loved the sound of words and the magic they make when you string them together – and because I thought I could live “more” – once in time, and once again in recollection. My idols were Mark Twain (of the dark Mysterious Stranger days), Shaw and Vonnegut. Three dead-serious, hilarious rogues.

26. I went undergrad to University of Virginia, where I used to say I was a cultural exchange student from New York. I could only stand it for 2 years. I couldn’t take the Izod shirts.

27. The funniest thing I ever said (to me) was when my first son was finally born after 27 excruciating hours (worse for the wife). We were all drenched in blood and tears and sweat and god knows what else and I was utterly sleepless and delirious. The doctor turned to me and asked, “Would you like to cut the cord?” and for some reason, I said, “Dammit, Jim, I’m a writer, not an obstetrician.” Whereupon I started cracking up. The last thing I remember, was the orderlies dragging me backwards out of the room by my elbows, and I could see my trail in the birth fluids on the floor left by my sneaker heels. Never did cut that cord. ?

28. Briefs.