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Pain, Pleasure, And The Truth About Sex

War, said Clausewitz, is politics by other means.

Sex is communication by other means.

What does this have to do with my , bleeding, gouged forearms?  Read on….

With sex, you can deepen communication, interplay, mutual understanding, exploration of daring edges and borders and hidden shadows.

Or, by contrast, you can “replace” communication by just banging away – never making contact, not talking, and it might as well be a blow up doll.

In our program, Erotic Mastery, we approach sexuality as a fantastic, wild, unpredictable opportunity for self-discovery and for discovery of your partner (s).

Because sex, offering perhaps the best, most vulnerable, most honest form of communication is like a landscape, a skinscape, a breathscape you create as you go.  Like Harold with his Purple Crayon (and no, I’m not going to make the obvious joke and blaspheme that perfect book!)

If you want to be an artist of the erotic, rather than a plodding workman, then you develop your touch and talk skills, you learn how to lead a woman deeper into her surrender, into her orgasms.  You take erotic mastery skills seriously and have utter control over your orgasm, (utter presence when you remember!) and the ability to meet her no matter WHERE she goes.

She can go wild mustang or she can burst into tears, tsunami’d by old memories or nascent fears.

Which brings us to my bleeding forearms.

So I was on a first date with a woman I met online.  A delicate, cute little giggly, sensual thing – no more than 98 pounds.  And we’re sitting at the Palomino, one of my favorite first date hotspots – because of the sensuous curves of the bar and the woodwork, as well as the deep, cushy seating.

And things are going well…

She’s laughing.  I’m laughing.  I touch her hands.  She brushes mine.  Then, about 10 minutes into touching, she slides her hands up my sleeves to the inside of my elbows and then RAKES HER NAILS DOWN THE INSIDE OF MY FOREARMS, while locking eyes with me.

My eyes flare, but I don’t move.

“So, Adam, how do you feel about… pain?”  she asks.

“How about,” I answer quickly, “we start with pleasure tonight and then maybe work our way into pain.”

Sex as the unexpected.  Where our daily social selves drop off like silk robes, exposing our secret selves.  Our secret desires.

And…  our secret strengths.

The point:  be ready for ANYTHING.  For her pain or yours.  For her deep emotion or yours.  For her sudden closure or yours.

Ride it like a light boat on the ocean – responsive to whatever arises.  Unattached to anything that arises.  Opening INTO the moment rather than fleeing, no matter how much surprise, or, in my case, how much blood.

My question to you today:  what is the MOST UNEXPECTED thing that has arisen during sex for you?  From you or from your partner?  What did it bring up for you?  How did you respond?

And what do you have to teach this community of men, so that we may continue our own growth and our ability to serve and open and be “a real man” for the women in our lives?

Leave your comment below: what is the MOST UNEXPECTED thing that has arisen during sex for you?

Filed Under: Sex

Claim Her, Don’t Conquer Her

What is the difference between lovingly claiming a woman and carelessly “conquering” her?

Because from the outside, it can look like the same thing.  The dance of seduction can be either a delicious tango or a disguised shove over a cliff..

Maybe it’s the seasoning of years.  Maybe it’s the weariness of witnessing people’s pain.  But the whole of idea of “conquest” of women has grown distasteful to me.

Maybe it was distasteful all along, but I just didn’t see it as clearly.

And, at the same time, the appeal of lovingly claiming a woman has grown in me.  The ability to take her safely into my arms and my heart.  To guide her, both as mirror and messenger, into her own deeper self-love.  Love of her body.  Love of her dreams.  Love of her uniqueness.  Love of her own ability, as a woman, to be a bodily vehicle of love.  Not just to me, but to her family, friends, pets – really to everyone she encounters.  A breath of fresh air. A recharge.  An inspiration.

When you conquer a woman, you take something from her for yourself.

When you claim a woman, you give her something of yourself.  You give her safety, if even for the moment alone.  You give her your care, your strength, your penetrating insight into the best of who she is and you give her all your aggregated abilities (mind, body, spirit, communication) to nourish her like a seedling so that she may bloom open in your presence.

So that she can feel her body as a flow of something divine and beautiful beyond her day-to-day self. So that she can feel her heart as a conduit of love and surrender, unguarded and unashamed.  So that she can feel you as a harbor where she can dock or bobble in the waves.

A harbor that remains open at the mouth.  A harbor that holds her from love and care but does not entrap her from fear.

When you seek to conquer a woman, you create a victim, something that is necessarily “defeated.”

When you claim a woman, you enlarge yourself.  You create gratitude.  You create love, both in your own wounded heart and hers.

And both of you win.

This is the difference between sexual predation and erotic mastery.

Filed Under: Sex

Noticing Her Is Erotic

This one is easy, guys.

If you want to create an environment of erotic charge – don’t focus so much on the perfect restaurant, the cliché roses, the horse and carriage.

Those are all nice, yes, but if you REALLY want to create an erotic soup in which she and you will swim – focus on HER.

Notice her.

Notice her earrings.  Especially if they match her eyes (or if anything else matches her eyes).

A friend noticed that his cute dentist was hot because her air conditioning was out, so as the novocaine wore off, he went to CVS and bought her two big fans and returned with a cute note.

Um – he didn’t even have to suggest the date.  She did!

And when you are online dating – pay attention to those little clues about who she is.

One of my coaching clients told me during one of our Boldness Code Weekends that he met a girl named “BellaStella” on

I told him, great!  Pay attention – bella stella means “beautiful star” – so take her to the highest rooftop restaurant in town because you wanted this beautiful star to be close to all the other beautiful stars.

Cheesy?  Said in a leisure suit, yes!  But otherwise, it’s romantic and THOUGHTFUL.  Because you thought about her, you gave her your attention and your presence and you CREATED something to give her pleasure.

And THAT, my man, is the heart of eros.

Pay attention – and create from her hints and details.

She provides the materials.

You be the artist of her imagination.

In bed.

And also, before and after.

Filed Under: Sex