You get to choose your core identity.
When you allow others to impose their boundaries of identity on you, it diminishes you as a man. Actually, it diminishes you as an evolving human being.
So what are you? What are “we”? The frame you carry around in your head will determine how you act in your life – and what and who you attract.
Most people have been brought up with this idea that we are “Homo sapien sapiens.” That roughly means “knowing man.” But who do you think came up with the idea that thinking is the CORE of what defines us?
That would be – big surprise here – thinkers. Scientists. Guys who value knowledge above all. It makes sense they’d prioritize our ability to know.
But is “knowing” truly our core?
Socrates made a great living showing how little we actually know — until they killed him for it. He was like a Greek form of LSD – exposing the narrow confines of our normal mind and all the constrictions that fuzzy thinking, civil society and social life have clapped over our skulls.
But there are other suggestions of what our “core” might be.
Religious traditions like to think we have a “soul” that is inside, independent from and separate from our bodies. Which is a great way to demean the body, by the way – and eventually demonize it.
When you separate the soul from the body, the body becomes secondary, then an obstacle, then an “evil” antagonist. And suddenly you have a culture that makes sex something bad and shameful.
That never made sense to me, even as a child, and I think modern neuroscience would have a hard time separating out the “soul” from the synapses in which it supposedly dwells. The body and mind are the same stuff, and this is coming more and more clear as we understand the chemistry of thought and emotion.
Some people have gotten all excited that we are tool-making creatures and behold – THAT’S what separates us from the rest of the lowly creatures around us. They define us as “Homo Faber” – man who “makes” stuff. Sorry. Ants, chimps, and all sorts of birds use tools all the time. Termites make really intricate underground cities.
Yes, we humans are wonders of fabrication, of making “stuff” – but is that your CORE? Is that how you want to identify yourself – as a glorified termite? Or merely a breathing assembly line?
Nor do I identify myself primarily as a “consumer” – which, if you absorb corporate media daily, you might start believing.
I want to suggest to you that we are something else at your core – and I want to hear your opinion on this.
There was a book written in the early 20th Century called “Homo Ludens” – man who plays, or “playful man”.
Huizinga, who wrote the book, says that play is core not only to who we are, but also that our entire culture is actually play – it’s just that we don’t see it that way. We layer all kinds of egoic needs over that play.
If you have spent time with a little child – or have actually been a little child – then you know that play is core to our their being. They are curious. They want to see what stuff DOES. What it IS. Small children look for DELIGHT and for ways to turn what is in front of them into delight.
Give them crayons or paint or blocks – or in the case of my 11 month old – other children. I once came into his daycare group to see him separated from all other kids – all little girls in dresses – by a dog gate in the day-care lady’s kitchen. She explained that during circle time, he had crawled around the circle and pushed each little girl over like bowling pins.
“Is he evil?” I asked,
“No – he just wanted them to DO something.”
We all just want to make the world and all its astonishing raw material do something.
We want to set it spinning. We want to blow dandelion seeds into the air and watch them float.
And, as men…
We want to get women laughing. Give them pleasure. Bring them to orgasm.
But how we go about this makes all the difference in the world.
This is why I caution against the constricted arena of “The Game” and of “gaming” women. Gaming women is play as battle, with the end of the game being the whole point. The destination being the focus rather than the journey.
Which of course makes the woman a mere chesspiece in your egoic forward charge.
Not nice for her. Self-constricting for you.
Instead, substitute pure play as the game you are playing with women.
The beauty of play is that you go forth into the world primarily to have a good time and discover what happens! You explore, you provoke, you create laughter, delight, pleasure, insight – all in the child-like frame of exploration.
Which you think is more appealing to women? That you’re gaming them? Or that you are a man awake to the wonder of the moment? To seeing what colors you can blend in the moment, what music you can create of the moment, what joy you can create in the moment?
So many men have been reduced into Gamebots by the PUA mindset of “must close a woman.” Yeah, it’ll get you laid from time to time. But you’ll miss out on life as it arises around you in all its joy and fascination.
Open yourself, rather, by going out with no goal but to give joy, insight and delight to the women you meet. The boy scout rule of “leave them better than when you found them” – rather than “negged” and manipulated.
Rather than “close” a woman like a used-car deal, open her up.
There is, I guarantee you, a juicy center, waiting for you, when you do.